Valium Is A Muse

It’s 10:00 AM and I’m sitting on the floor
After grabbing my laptop with abandon
While rolling cigarettes.

The cat just jumped on my computer chair
And I don’t want to disrupt him.
He looks so comfortable.

My muse came back in the form of Valium,
And I, I just want to cry.
I can’t even put into words the amount of emotions,
And thoughts and feelings,
That are in my mind.
And how self-destructive
I seem to let myself be.

One:
Why should I be healthy and watch what I eat and exercise
And again, be excluded from the things that you both enjoy together;
Food, sugar, laying in bed together, relaxing together;
While I’m running at a million miles per hour from work, to home, to chores,
To making sure everything’s ready for the next day?

That is not all you do, my dear Savior, for sure.
But being healthy when you, and she, are not,
Is simply further excluding myself.
Perhaps I should look at it as being superior,
If I were to do that which I know I should;
But it’s lonely on that pedestal.

Two:
It’s easy to be happy with her.
It’s easy to not be mad that she’s forgetting things,
Or not doing what you told her to,
Or not causing you anxiety.
And it’s because, you don’t ask anything from her.
Other than miniscule chores and respect.
How can she make you mad when she has the responsibilities
Of a pet?
It’s impossible to fuck up,
When there’s the smallest expectations.

She has nothing to do but follow you
Around like a stray puppy,
And have you take care of her,
And be sexual with you while I’m not around.

She has nothing to do but think of ways to get you horny,
And send you nudes,
And do everything you do, when you do it,
Like I used to do in New Jersey.
How could you be mad or annoyed?

I take pride in what you ask of me, for it is a lot.
And it is very often.
However, you get frustrated at me,
And annoyed with me,
And we bicker,
And occasionally fight,
Because I do forget little things.
Or don’t do something you said to do.
Or cause you anxiety.
And that’s because I do have so much to stay on top of;
And so much responsibility.
And I take that upon myself to make things easier for you,
And that makes happy.

But when I don’t do what I should
Perhaps, twenty percent of the time,
And you get upset and mad,
And then go off happy with her,
It kills me inside.

It’s not that I don’t love her as well;
It’s not that I’m not happy with her,
Or that I’m living in some made up hell.

It’s that I want to be perfect and I want you to be happy with me.

Adversely, you could not be as happy with her.
Give her the responsibility I have,
And the expectations,
And see how she folds.

I swear, I don’t take you for granted.
I swear, I love everything you do for me.
I just wish I felt like you felt that towards me.

But you, my love, I can’t tell this to.
For you are flying to L.A. in four days for a show,
And I will not cause you any distress.

I am but your humble servant, here only to please you,
And help you,
And make your life easier.

And hopefully, maybe someday, make you happy with me.

Advertisements

2 responses to “Valium Is A Muse

  1. If they weren’t happy, why would they be with you?
    No need to be jealous over a pet.
    But there is need to live for yourself.

    I like the freeform and stream-of-consciousness format. 🙂

    • I was a little high, haha. It was all stream of conscious. And thank you! I’ve always found therapy in that type of writing. It’s more “getting it out” than focusing on the format and writing structure. And you’re right; they have no reason to be with me if they’re unhappy with me. I do love them both very much; my own inner dialogue is just very self destructive.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s