So, as it seems everyone has been lately, I’ve been incredibly (even annoying so) reflective and introspective for the past couple of days.
I realize more and more how much I’ve lost this year.
Jobs, family, addictions, bad habits, weight, relationships… Ideas and ideals that I’ve held throughout my life… Self-destructive tendencies that have been one of the only real constants I’ve ever had; one of the only things I could turn to and find comfort in.
It’s been one of, if not the hardest year that I’ve ever gone through.
But out of all these people, relationships, habits, that I’ve lost, I feel like I’ve found something so much more.
As sappy as it may be, I honestly feel like I’ve begun to find myself.
I’ve never felt like a whole person. I’ve always had whimsical and idealistic ideas without the slightest notion of how to achieve them; ideas that would come and go with my changing moods. I’ve never had a ‘thing’ or been able to define what I like and don’t like. My interests and tastes have always been determined by what the people I’ve surrounded myself with liked.
I’ve always been a bit of chameleon; blending in with whomever without an idea of who I am, and existing as a person with no definition.
But this past year I’ve had the opportunity to give myself the chance to figure out what I actually want, what I like, what kind of person I want to be, what kind of life I want to have… And having a plan to work towards those goals.
Having a relationship and being in an environment where I’m free to fail, free to not be perfect, free to strive for perfection, free to explore ideas and interests and see what I like, all while having the support I’ve needed to do those things and the support which motivates me to keep trying to do bigger and better things… I’ve never thought I could find that constant in my life that keeps me feeling safe.
And I’m still working through those tendencies to project past experiences into present life, but with every projection comes the chance to relearn that experience, and every time, my projections get proven wrong. I am learning to trust again, learning to have a healthy relationship, to rationalize my irrational fears and emotions.
And I’m happy. Surprisingly, with how much I’ve lost this year, I’m happier now than I think I ever have been.
And I can’t wait for 2014.
I felt the close of a huge chapter of my life today. It made me sad, scared, nostalgic, and terrified for the future. But I’m not letting this go. I like me (mostly) right now and am learning everyday to like me a bit more.
I am sad in the same way a person is sad when they finish a great book. They know it’s over and have nothing but memories. Even if they re-read that same book.
But I’m excited. And terrified, but the same way you’re terrified before riding a roller coaster. You don’t know what to expect, but you know it’s going to be one hell of a ride.
And you can’t wait to see where this is going to take you.