Lacking

It’s this old familiar story that is always in my head;
How I’m never good enough, and can never get ahead.
How my moods are always changing and my mind is always gone;
How I worry other people with the flowing of my songs.

Depression calls to me like a lover in the dark.
I answer every time; she listens and remarks.
I lay upon her chest and listen to the beat;
Her heart whispering “Never enough” and I know I can’t get free.

I don’t have the beauty that was born of natural genes,
And I don’t have the body of the ones who’re always lean,
And I can’t begin to think that I’m as smart as they may come,
And I eat too much and talk to quiet and should probably learn to run.

I can never make decisions, and my moods rule my mind,
Just once I’d like to know for sure what’s good and bad and yours and mine.
But darling dear, stability is not what’s in my head,
As I weep for reasons I don’t know, and wish that I were dead.

“Not good enough, never enough.”
I try to vocalize,
But for those that use this to motivate,
They’re simply my demise.

Why should I bother and why should I care,
When it’s so plainly obvious I’ll never end up there?
Cantankerous, defective, I certainly may be,
But it’s not because of you, but a gross distaste for me.

And you! You’re so perfect,
And I pale to compare
And I only feel worthless
Whether or not you’re there.

But you, you’re so perfect
And you love me; I don’t know why,
I’m polyamorous with Depression,
Melancholy, and Time.

I just want to be perfect;
For you to see me so.
I just want to feel perfect;
My desire for it just grows.

And I’m trying; god, I’m trying,
But the moon must ebb and flow;
Insanity will take my mind,
And I’ll have nowhere left to go.

“You’re not perfect; you’re not good.
You’re an evil, manipulative lie.
Expandable, quarrelsome,
Bratty, tiresome, damaged, and wry.

A broken doll that’s fun to fix,
A puppy to learn brand new tricks,
A marionette waiting for his hand,
A damsel in distress searching for her man.”

Submissive to your perfection, I know I’ll always be;
Under your guidance is only where I see,
My mind is everywhere while I am often not;
Break me, fix me, train me; make me more than ever thought.

I promise I can be the best;
I want to be your prodigy.
Your trophy sitting on the wall;
The perfection you so often seek.

This should be what motivates
And makes me now a better me,
But promises are ideal
While sitting here, I can no longer weep.

With you, I have a purpose;
But excuse my misogyny,
Deserving what you offer me,
Is what will always confuse me.

I’m sorry, love; I truly am,
But the voices in my head are sweet.
And Depression holds me very close,
And whispers her lullabies to me.

And here, I’m safe, cloaked in dark;
Happiness I’ll no longer need.
But fuck, I want you; god, I want you.
I want you irrationally to always want me,

And I can forsake her, I swear I can;
I promise I can make her flee,
If only just to know for sure,
That in her place, you’ll always be.

Just let me lay an ear on your chest,
And whisper stealing words to me,
As I fall asleep to the sound of your heart,
Softly, gently, consoling me.

One beat, comfort.
Two, I have security.
Three beats and I’ll be okay.
Four and I’ll stay for eternity.

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