Falling Out

If you’ve ever fallen out of love with somebody who is still in love with you, you understand the hardships that you face emotionally. Not only do you have to cope with the fact that you’re not the same person, they’re not the same person, and your relationship is no longer the same, but you have to cope with knowing that the person you used to want to be with for the rest of your life is not that person anymore.

You’ve imagined your future with that person; the hopes and dreams you’ve shared, the way you wanted your lives to end up, the promises you made, and how you wanted to be with that person for the rest of your days and into whatever afterlife there may be. But you never imagined how completely backwards and upside down your future ends up looking when every plan you’ve made, every aspiration you’ve had, is no longer in front of you.

It’s a mind fuck in and of itself. It’s a completely, absolutely, mind-numbing thought that you are no longer bound by commitment, no longer seeking approval, and no longer answering to anyone. You are once again at the beginning of your drawing board and you can’t help but realize you have no idea what the hell you are doing. You realize you’re not even entirely sure who you are because for so long you have been identifying as someone’s significant other. Now what? Now who are you?

The instability from no longer having that constant in your life also gets to you. You no longer have that person there whom you know you can always count on; no longer have someone to vent to whenever, get advice from, emotionally cling to knowing that after everything, they’ll still be there. You’re left alone and in the late hours of the night, you realize this. It’s no longer a question of why are you alone but how to be alone.

Friends can only fill the void so well before you feel too pushy and dependent. So you’re left alone with your thoughts and realize that there’s no way you can do this. There’s a void that needs to be filled and you don’t know how.

You distract yourself from these feelings by doing as much as you can and not sleeping because you know that sleeping is alone time. So you find people to sleep with when your body caves. You crash at other people’s houses in order to fill this monstrous void that threatens to consume you. It’s your own fault, but you can’t help trying to make the guilt and pain stop. And it hurts that much more when you realize you can’t because, once again, you fucked everything up by not being able to control your emotions. You had to fall out of love with someone who used to be perfect for you. And the guilt consumes you.

It’s so easy to fall completely. Submerse yourself in another lifestyle; in another trick to hide you from yourself. But once you consider getting out, there’s a realization that you’ve built this entirely new life that you may have never even wanted before. But right now it’s all you have, so you move forward with the thought that you can do whatever the fuck you want. No one can tell you what to do, who to do, where to go, what to say; you answer to no one but yourself. And you know yourself is someone with no moral character anyways.

You push away people when they get too close; half because you don’t want to fall again and half because you don’t want them to see how desperate you are to be loved. They’ll exploit that and you never want to have to go through this hurt again. So you say fuck it. And continue on. And try not to think about the person whose heart you broke having to deal with this alone, all by themself.

“There is, in fact, an incredible freedom at having nothing left to lose.” – “Wasted” Marya Hornbacher

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