Dark Waters

Welcome home, my dear old friend.
I can’t say I’m pleased to see you again.
I’m drowning in the essence you’ve spilled,
But held in comfort of the spirit you shield.

These dark deep waters seem to harm
But the lower you get, the further you are,
And the hatred and sadness slowly ebbs away
As you watch from down under of each passing day.

The lower you get, the further you fall;
That’s what you’ve always taught me, after all.
Emotions will drain from your body like blood
And the water will encase you as your ashes become mud.

If you ever shall rise to the top again,
You should know no matter what,
Water’s always your friend.

And you’ll hate with a passion when the waves sweep you under
Until you remember how you hated the thunder.

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5 responses to “Dark Waters

  1. The layout of this site is excellent!

    Like that you are asking for feedback on the writing. I am not great in this area, but will share the thoughts that I have.

    I like the content and the use of water, waves and thunder. This is very strong. Also the personal nature of the poem is quite striking. It seems to be at the level and not as a metaphor for something else (if I am missing that let me know) and works effectively.

    I like the strong trochee beginning (strong, strong, strong, strong) but for me, meter seems somwhat unfocused starting with the second line.

    This may work very well for lyrics to a song. If intented as a poem, you may wish to review how you are deploying meter.

    Love the ryming of spilled and shield and the flexibility of the rhyme scheme and the stanza structure.

    • Thank you complimenting the layout! I was sick yesterday and literally spent all freaking day trying different themes, then personalizing them, until I found this one, haha. I have to edit the banner better (I did it in Paint on my lunch break at work!) but other than that, I like it!!

      Stop downing yourself with regarding feedback! You’ve given me the best, most technical reviews that I’d been craving, lol. Most people are just like, “I like it!” or “It’s okayyyy…”

      I honestly can’t remember if I wrote this as lyrics or not. I agree with the meter. And thank you!

      I wonder if it’s possible to close comments to a post and then repost the edited poem for review again. I need to look into that.

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