Life and Death of Nervosa

Everything you see is an act.

A smile painted on a face;
A dress perfectly put into place.
The hair just cut and freshly styled;
Legs that show who’s run for miles.

A façade is all you see;
Never mind the real me.

A master of manipulation;
I’ll be what you want me to be.

God forbid who should ever know
The tortured soul which lies below.
You think you notice,
But you’ll never see me fold.

Let’s think for a minute.

Who’s the one whose ribs will show
If not hid under layers of clothes?
And whose cheekbones are so fiercely hollow
That dark shadows focus on what’s been swallowed.
Not that that’s something you’d ever see,
“Just a cup of coffee for me, please.”

Who always has the right excuse?
Never mind fantasies of the noose.
“The thinner, the winner,” that’s what I always say.
“Saving grace can crawl away.”

I’m me.
That’s all you’ll see.
The lies I plaster on my face
When stressors get all out of place.

Marry your vices and hide them well
In a secret ceremony sprung in hell.
At first you know it’s your control,
But soon realize you’re in a hole.

In which your groom lives in your head
And God forbid you’d rather be dead.

A constant fight of need and will
Where fighting’s tiring and pleasing is shrill.

But the exhaustion takes away the fight
And soon you lose with all your might
Any fantasy of idealistic ways,
Where peace will reign over your days.

And a resolution is born when you wake
That intake will not ruin your day.
In all honesty it’s so much easier
To be a slave to your inner demon.

In a resounding fashion it’s quickly decided
That life’s overrated; you might as well fight it.
It only leads to screaming and pain;
Heart ache, punishment, and more trouble again.

Yet your body aches with each step you take
As it eats your muscle in an effort to stake,
And ketosis makes your brain feel fuzzy
And you slump when you stand cause your blood pressures funny.

And the darkness creeps in the corner of your eyes,
‘Til you sit back down and take it in stride.
Then you’re up and moving once again,
Determined to show you’re not as weak as your friend.

First at everything, nothing is last;
Perfection is better, mediocracy crass.
The will to win; that secret place;
The one who shoves himself in your face.

“Disappear.”
“Fade away.”
Over and over,
You hear him say.

Until at last the fights been through
And you hope to God that all that you do
Is just
Die.

The screaming never stops in your head;
Every second of the day revolves around dread.
The closer you get, the more you know
You’ll never win inside this little show.

What was salvation, as always, undone.
No longer in control, you fear what’s won.
And you slump in defeat, hang your head and sigh.
And in a moment of clarity, you realize you’d die
To remember a time where enemies weren’t vast,
Instead were the villains you ran from in your past.

When the whole world didn’t revolve around one thing
And instead were delighted with what desert could bring.

In your head, you concoct this memory,
Forgetting you were never this way.
But it’s easier to pretend and smile again.

And the waters take you under,
The darkness ebbs on in.
But no fight this time will come of it;
You welcome the peaceful lid.

The screaming slowly fades away;
Your heart slows to a whisper in the light of day.
And you remember those moments as a child
Where you dreamt of trying to run for miles,
And you
Smile.

Let it take me in.
Waters flow over me and bring peace again.

Good night, cruel world;
I wasn’t meant for thee.
But God only knows,
I wasn’t meant to be.

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